Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
