he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize