I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
