Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
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