I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
