girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Randomize
