I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize