I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
you inspire me to be a worse person
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
