saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
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