you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
the worst part is we had a camera rolling
Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?
Yes.
I have to watch that.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize
