i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
