Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
Randomize
