he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
Randomize
