you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
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