When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
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