Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
