You're my little dorito
where am i from again
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
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