omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
Randomize
