You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Randomize
