I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
my being single is dangerous.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
Randomize
