That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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