bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
do people in england often walk their sheep on leashes? or is this guy the exception to the rule?
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
Randomize