He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
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