morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Randomize
