I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize
