he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
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