Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Randomize
