I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
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