PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
