Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
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