dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
I haven't been this sober since birth.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
Randomize
