Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Randomize
