maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
Randomize
