Good. I was naked most of the night. But sometimes I would wear my tux vest...But only my tux vest. It was classy
I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
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