woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
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