I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize