Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Randomize
