come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
we made out on top of his cat.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
