new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
