I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
Randomize
