he called me a worthless slut and then went 2 the bathroom 2 pee on the floor before leavin. but he was really hot and he left his jacket, should i call him?
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
