so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
