I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
