I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Randomize
