I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
