how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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