I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
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