mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
