It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
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