tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Randomize
