I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
