i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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