tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
She announced her abortion via fbk
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
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