Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
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