i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
Randomize