why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
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