We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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