she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
