my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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