Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
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