Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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