I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
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